Starkit's Prophecy: Edited
by RisingGrace
Summary: The new and improved Starkit's Prophecy! Enjoy our journey through crazy-cat land as we deal with this homophobic, wacky, religious fic (starring Jesuscat) with great humor, superb commentary, and Oreos.
1. Chapter 1: Prologue (?)

Starkit's Prophecy

**Greetings and Salutation! It is I, your lovely editor, Alexsis Rose! We have finished My Immortal, so get ready for a new edition in the 'Edited:' series! This is 'Starkit's Prophecy', the second worst fanfiction ever written! Complete with commentary! The original author is xdarkrosesx.**

**You may remember Julie Tulips from My Immortal, but she has not read Warriors, and I have only read the first series, so I would love to introduce, Annalisa! She is my good friend, much like good old Julie, and she has read all the Warriors books! That means that only she can supply choice critique on Jayfeather and his stick. What? I'm so confused. His stick? Is this a masturbation thing? She will be in italics.**

_Hello, comrades. It is I, Annalisa (Randomcat100 is my username) and I am here to help our fluffy-haired Alexsis out when it comes to both editing xdarkrosesx's grammar and adjusting all abuses to Warriors canon. So, with commentary in italics from me and commentary in __**bold**__ from Alexsis, let's be on our painful journey._

AN: This is the fanfiction I wrote when I was younger. Those jerks on took it down twice!

**For good reason. **

**Edited Out: Capitalization of 'twice'. What is it with these guys and capitalizing everything? By the way, we cut out the Alliances.**

I'm putting it here. Thanks to the 'Starkit's Prophecy' reposts, I lost some chapters and seeing it again was a really big help.

By the way, this is set after Sunrise. This is my first story so be nice.

**Please explain Annalisa, what is Sunrise?**

_In the original A/N, xdarkrosesx stated 'set after SunSET'. If this were the case, most of the characters in this story wouldn't even be born yet. I believe DR meant SunRISE, the final book in the third series. _

**Isn't she great?**

_Yes, I am._

Ch. 1: Prologue

**Let's play the option game! Take it away Annalisa!**

_This is the prologue._

_This is the first chapter._

_This chapter is like a hermaphrodite. It's both._

The cats gathered around a pool. They all looked into it eagerly. A dark shape appeared on the surface.

**A dark shape appeared on the surface of the water.**

**A dark shape appeared on the surface of the cats. That's got to sting.**

A blue she-cat looked up. Her eyes were bright. "There is a prophecy! Out of the darkness, stars will come and get rid of the evil tiger and the holly," she said.

"It's about Starkit!" A white tom said, "She's going to save the forest."

**We don't know who is speaking, do we?**

_How is a cat blue?_

**Hair dye. Don't you know that there are special plants in the forest that dye cats blue? Only ThunderClan has access to them. That's why all these wars are started; the other cats want the blue dye.**

_Okay! Step right up, folks! It's the ThunderClan spa!_

He looked at a golden tom standing beside Bluestar.

**Are we in StarClan? She's dead! There are some crazy cat colours here.**

"She has powers that nobody has ever dreamed of," the golden tom said, "Should we tell Jayfeather?"

"Yes," Bluestar said, "He needs to know this."

She walked away from the pool because she wanted to tell Jayfeather about Starkit.

**Don't they usually zap these prophecies into their dreams or something? **

AN: Did you like it? Please tell me what you thought in your review!

**What do you think Annalisa?**

_In truth, I already have a bad feeling about this. And I can already tell this story sucks sh*t._

**Do you want some peppermint tea?**

_Christ, yes. And chocolate._

**We have Oreos…**

_I'm sold._

**That was our first chapter, hope you didn't cringe too much! It's time to enjoy ourselves; I know that Annalisa and I are going to enjoy some Oreos and milk. Bye, and remember to comment!**


	2. Chapter 2: The Rise of a Heroine

Ch. 2 The rise of a Heroine

**Edited Out: The rise of a heroin. Honestly.**

AN: Jazzie-kun, please don't get mad at me because you're not in the story yet. You'll appear soon, don't worry.

Starkit woke up and saw sunlight in the branches.

_Sunlight was in the branches, you say? What the Hell?_

She closed her eyes again, because she was still tired; but her mom would not let her sleep in today.

**Edited Out: Buttermom.**

"Sweetie, it's time to get up," said Dawnsparkle, her eyes shining.

Edited Out: Shinning eyes.

_Dawnsparkle? Dear God, spare me from one of the most Mary Sue-esque names in history._

"What is it mom?" Starkit was already awake.

_Since when do the kits refer to their parents as "Mom", "Dad", "Momma", "Pop", etc.? They always call them by their names. Just saying._

Then the she-kit remembered what was happening today, "Om my gosh! It's my ceremony today!" She squealed excitedly.

**Edited Out: Excercisedly squelling**

_Also, why on Earth is Starkit saying 'oh my gosh'? Since gosh is a 'polite' way of saying God. The cats don't HAVE a God. Wouldn't she say, 'Oh my StarClan'?_

Today was the day she would become an apprentice!

**She's a kit! Isn't there an age requirement?**

She flitted outside, not waiting for her mom.

**Edited Out: Starkit flicking outside.**

Her mom quickly caught up to her.

"Sweetie, you know that the clans don't except cats like us sometimes." She said.

Starkit glared. She didn't like being told that. Just because her Mom used to be a ShadowClan cat, and her dad was Jayfeather the medicine Cat didn't mean that she was different!

**Erm, yes it does. Medicine cats aren't allowed to have kits. Jayfeather is either the medicine cat, or your dad. Pick one!  
**  
"Starkit, come here." said Firestar from the ledge. He jumped down.

"Starkit it's time for you to become an apprentice," he said, "You're a strong brave cat and because of that I will mentor you."

_Edited out: Firestar mentoring with Starkit._

Everybody gasped. Starkit did too. She heard her mother say, "Wow!"

*Fireheart liked her shoulder.*

**1) Firestar decided to not be clan leader anymore. He liked Starkit's shoulder.**

**2) Firestar used the Doctor's TARDIS to travel backwards in time, before he was leader. Thinking back, he then decided that he really liked Starkit's shoulder.**

**3) Firestar gave clan leadership over to Brambleclaw for the hour. He then decided that he really loved Starkit's shoulder. What a hot shoulder! Whoo!**

He whispered into her ear, "You'll be the best there ever was Starpaw, I know it."

**Ewww, now he's flirting with her. What will Sandstorm think?  
**  
Surprised, she walked away when they were done howling for her.

**Who was howling? Were there dogs nearby?**

Then she went over to Jayfeather and Dawnsparkle. They were very proud.

**She wasn't even officially named 'Starpaw'! What's going on!**

_Xdarkrosesx is going on. _

…**erg…  
**  
"Daughter we're very happy, but we have to say something," said Jayfeather, his chest puffed out, "You see, there is a prophecy that Starclan gave me. It said that out of the darkness, stars will come and get rid of the evil tiger and the holly."

**He's already talking to her! Why is he telling her that he is going to talk to her?  
**  
Starpaw gasped. What did it mean?

_It means you're a bloody Mary Sue._


	3. Chapter 3: Starpaw Decides

Chapter Three… Starpaw Decides

AN: flamers you're all Satanists! Anyone who doesn't like the story is a Satanist cause Starpaw has such a strong connection with StarClan and that's why you don't like it; it's because you don't like JESUS!

_Right then. Moving right along…_ **Erm, what? Who followed that?**

"Starpaw, wake up; it's time for patrol."

**Edited Out: "Starkit, wake up; it's time for parole."** _Now Mary Sue number 24601, your time is up and your parole's begun! Get that reference and I will worship you forever._

Starpaw opened her bright rainbow eyes and looked around.

_Starpaw has rainbow eyes? Is that even biologically possible? No. No it isn't!_ **Oh joy, its Mary Sue Cat.  
**  
"Oh, my gosh, who was that?" She yelled.

_Edited Out: Starpaw yellowing._

_Also, is the mystery cat hiding? If she's opened her eyes, why can't she see for herself?_

"It's me Graystripe," He whispered in her ear.

_The disadvantage of having rainbow eyes: you're hopelessly nearsighted. In fact, you can't even tell if there's someone right behind you. _**He's behind her the whole time, how big are those dens? Also, that's really creepy.**

Starpaw got up.

"Oh, my gosh, Graystripe what do you want?" She yelped.

Graystripe looked at her. "Will you be my mate?" he asked.

_Uh…what?_** She's a kit. He's not a kit. Who else sees this problem?**

"Oh, my gosh, Graystripe that's so nice!" Starpaw screamed, "But Firestar already asked me."

_Edited out: A repeat of everything that's happened above. _**Why are you screaming, he's right beside you! Why would Firestar ask her out!**

"Why do you say that?" yelled Starpaw.

_God, Starpaw, stop yelling!_** Wait, Graystripe didn't say anything…**

Graystripe looked at her meanly. "I don't like him," squeaked Graystripe. He looked around quickly. "He's a mean cat!

Oh my gosh! You mean like Scourge?" Starpaw was shocked.

_And stop using Caps Lock. __**Edited out: Caps lock rant  
**_  
"No, you're much prettier than Scourge," said Graystripe.

_I'm confused. Weren't we talking about Starpaw?_**Starpaw? I thought that were talking about Firestar and Gray stripe! Who are we talking about?**

He licked her on the head. "I want you to be my mate!" he yelled.

_Why is everyone yelling? Somebody's going to go deaf!_** WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!**

"Well, maybe. But what would Firestar say?" she whispered.

_Oh, I'm sure he already knows. What with you yelling. _

Graystripe loocked around again. "I don't think he would mind." said Graystripe

"OMIGOSH SURE, THEN!" Starpaw yelled happily.

"What are you talking abut" said Firestar he was walking up. He looked angry.

*"Oh, uhhhh, nuthin FireHeart go back to sleep!" mwled StarPaw hoppin he would leaf so she culd be alon with grayStripe.*

_Ooh, what fun! Let's play the option game!_

_1) Starpaw tells Firestar to go back to sleep. She wants him to turn into a leaf so she can be alone with Graystripe._

_2) Starpaw tells Firestar to go back to sleep. She is confused and thinks he is no longer leader. She wants him to chase leaves so she can be alone with Graystripe._

**3) Starpaw tells Firestar to go back to sleep. She starts to hop, hoping that he will perform the ancient dance of the leaf. She wants to be alone with Graystripe.**

"Yeah Firestar! There's nothing to worry about!" Graystripe said cheerily.

**Edited Out: Graystripe cheering**

But Firestar didn't leave. Instead, he said, "I thought I heard you asking her to be your mate."

"Oh, uh, yeah!" yelled Starpaw.

_What did I say about the yelling? Bad kitty. _

But he didn't leave. Instead he jumped on Graystripe!

"I want to be with her!" said Firestar, attacking Graystripe.

"No, I do!" he shouted.

_Beep. Beep. Beep. OOC alert._** Erm, they're best friends! What's going on!**

"Guys, stop fighting you can BOTH be my mates! Starpaw *wispered apply like seCert."*

**Starpaw whispered aptly because it was a secret.**

**Starpaw whispered because it was a secret. She was applying something to who-knows-what.**

**Starpaw applied a whisper because it was a secret. Can you apply a secret?**

_I can't even do this one…_

"No we can't do that! There can only be one!" howled Firestar. "Otherwise you'll cheat on us!"  
"So Starpaw, who will you pick?" giggled Graystripe.

**Why is he giggling?**


	4. Chapter 4: Untitled

Chapter Four: Untitled

* * *

AN: You're all just Saints, why can't you just accept Jesus? It would make your life so much more enjoyable; you would never have to worry again!

_I don't believe in Jesus because I am not religious – I'm bordering on Atheism in fact. Although I do thank her for calling me a Saint._

**Trying to change someone's religion through a story is just rude.**

Starpaw said, "I ... I ... " She was so confused! These two cats had asked her to be their mates and what was she supposed to do? They were both handsome and everything, but both had mates! And she loved them both! Firestar was so kind and he obviously liked her a lot. Graystripe was so funny and cool.

_I should hope Firestar likes her, seeing as he's her great-grandfather. However I hope he isn't sexually attracted to her … as for Graystripe, he's old enough to be her great-grandfather. How old are they at this point, anyway? Cats don't really live that long._

"Exclamation point!" said Starpaw as she ran into the forest. It was too much! She couldn't choose!

_Edited Out: Starpaw said, "!"_

**HAHAHA! Sorry, couldn't help it.**

She ran and ran till her paws hurt. Then she realized she had crossed the border. Oh, no, she thought, ShadowClan will get me!

"What are you doing here?" said Blackstar as he woke up.

_Edited Out: "Blackstar waked up." Why is he sleeping in the forest anyway? Is she in their camp? Where are all the other ShadowClan cats? Are they sleeping too?_

"I'm sorry!" meowed Starpaw. "I didn't mean to!"

"That's okay," said Blackstar. "No one's perfect."

**Where's the killing? I want my gory fight please. Where's my gory fight scene?**

_Who are you and what you have done with the extremely vindictive Blackstar? Starpaw should be one dead little Mary Sue._

"No, that's not true," said Starpaw, offended. "StarClan is."

"What do you mean?" asked Blackstar.

_Edited Out: Weming black tar._

**Sorry, what? Weming black tar? Is that "Mewing Blackstar"?**

"Well, they give us all help and stuff," said Starpaw. "Without them we would be lust."

_If helping people/cats means you're perfect, that must mean a lot of people are perfect. Including me. And Alexsis. And our friend Julie. And all the Hufflepuffs in the world. Also, I believe that if StarClan stopped all the cats from feeling lust, then they must have abandoned the Clans in tears by now. There's quite a bit of lust going around in this story._

**No no no. She said that "we would be lust". This means that without Starclan, the cats would all turn into lust. Maybe little balls of lust energy? Lust elementals? Lust filled cats? Oh! The next D&amp;D game you have, get the Dungeon Master to throw in a few lust elementals and see what happens. Maybe give them a mass charm spell? Dammit, now I want to make one of those stat tables for a lust elemental. Starpaw, this is all your fault. As soon as I make my lust elementals I'm going to make a campaign where we trash Thunderclan with them. Sad thing about this is, I don't even know how to make the stat tables. Or if they're even called 'stat tables'. Probably not. :(**

"I guess that's true," Blackstar said, "Besides, I didn't really mean that anyway."

"Oh, really, why?" said Starpaw.

"Because you are."

*'WHAT' YOWLED Starpaw jumping away BlackkStarTried to nugle her. "WHAT ARE O TRIG TO DO MOLE STRAEP ME?1?"*

_Option game time! Alexsis, take it away._

**1\. "What!" yowled Starpaw as she jumped away from Blackstar. He was trying to snuggle her. "What are you trying to do? Molest me?"**

**2\. "What!" yowled Starpaw. She jumped away because Blackstar was trying to snuggle her. "What are you trying to do? Strap a mole to me?"**

**3\. "What!" yowled Starpaw. She jumped away because Blackstar was trying to snuggle her. "What are you trying to do? Give me moles?"**

**4\. "What!" yowled Starpaw. She jumped away because Blackstar was trying to snuggle her. "What are you trying to do? Strap a mole to me?" Blackstar pouted and put the mole down. It gave a terrified squeak and ran into the forest. Blackstar was left with a now useless pile of tape and an extremely freaked out Starpaw. If someone was trying to strap a mole to me, I'd be freaked out too.**

"She – " Blackstar started to explain, but, Starpaw was too quick.

**Who's she?**

"No," she said. "I don't want another tom after me! I've got enough problems right now anyway!"

"But you're perfect," said Blackstar. "You beat me in battle, so you have to be. "

_If I were Blackstar, and someone (especially a kit) beat me in a battle, I wouldn't think they were perfect, I'd rip their throats out. That's what he normally does._

**Blackstar, you need to shake the crazy kits hold on you. Don't go into a freakly love spiral thing. If this story ends with Blackstar on a rooftop about to jump, I will never be able to look at a Warriors book the same way ever again.**

"NO!" shitted Starpaw. Again she ran into the forest. Tears rolled down her checks and she was crying. "It's too much," she thought. "StarClan help me….!"

_Pretty sure she meant "shouted", but who cares? I think this is funnier._


	5. Chapter 5: Decisions

Chapter Five: Descions  
A/N: Stop flaming! If you're a flamer, you're a Satanist and will burn in Hell!

_Edited Out: A caps lock rage and the author accusing us of "gleaming."_

**But I like gleaming... It makes me feel pretty.**

* * *

After that, Starpaw walked through the forest. She was so depressed! Was she supposed to pick?

**Evidently, Starpaw hasn't been paying attention. What she should do is run off and get adopted. Become a kittypet and avoid all these suitors.**

Then she saw Jayfeather coming through the forest towards her.

_Yes, I gathered that if Starpaw is walking through the forest, Jayfeather is also walking through the forest if they meet there. Unless he was travelling above-ground or something._

**Forget that, this is terribly convenient. Has Jayfeather hooked her up with a tracking device or something? Homing beacon?**

"Jayfeather, I'm so confused. What do I do?" she yelled. "There are three toms after me! Three!"

**Why are you yelling? Isn't he right beside you? Are you trying to deafen him? I can understand why Starpaw is freaked out. Three people 'after her' wouldn't be fun. Of course, Starpaw should have understood the dangers of becoming a Mary Sue Jesuscat when she started this thing. So I have no pity. Bring on the romantic (?) turmoil!**

"I know," said Jayfeather. _Er ... how does he know? Has the incest and pedophilia gossip spread so quickly? It's been less than an hour!_

**Gossip travels faster than the speed of light, you silly girl. Didn't your mother tell you this?**

He looked happy. "That's good for you. It means people like you," he told her. He smiled.

_Edited Out: Random square brackets throughout the sentence. _

"No, but I love all of them!" Starpaw wailed. "I don't know who to like!"

_Edited Out: Whaling upsetly and "I don't know how to lick!" If she's a cat and she doesn't know how to lick I'm a wee bit concerned._

**Let me get this straight. She knows two of these toms very well, and has heard terrifying stories of the other and met him briefly. She loves all of them, but doesn't like any of them? Does she mean date when she says like? I don't know who to date? I'm trying to make sense of this sentence. I'm failing.**

"Well then, let me tell you a story," said Jayfeather and he sat down. "Once upon a time there were a few cats that I liked."

"Who were they?" said Starpaw. She sniffed.

"Their names were Dawnsparkle and ... Stick," said Jayfeather.

_Oh, sweet Christ; she's brought back the Jayfeather/Stick ship. Well, let's just take a moment to realise how poorly this will end, shall we? It's not real guys, it's not!_

**I am suddenly glad that I only read Warriors: The Prophecy Begins. Very, very glad. It's almost unhealthy.**

"OMG, Stick!" she whispered. "You were in love with a stick?" She couldn't believe it. After all this time she finds out that her father loved a stick! She gasped in shock.

_Actually, Jayfeather said he loved two _cats_ named Dawnsparkle and Stick, meaning that in the context of his story (putting canon aside because this story throws canon out the window) he loved a cat whose name happened to be Stick. Stupid Starpaw is stupid. Also, why is Starpaw whispering?_

**Wait, was he actually in love with a stick? Maybe he just carried it around for a bit and the fans went wild? Please tell me that's what happened. Please tell me that object sexuality did not just worm its way into the Warriors books. Aren't these for younger kids?**

"What did you do?" she asked, because she was curious.

**I can think of several other reasons for asking, such as shock, horror, amusement, or mild interest. Questions include, "Dad, does this actually relate to my current situation?", "Dad, are you absolutely sure that you want to tell me this story? It might be weird and embarrassing later.", and " Dad, please tell me that object sexuality didn't just worm its way into the Warriors books. You need watch how you act. There are strange fans out there. Good Lord, just look at what happened to My Little Pony. We have Bronies now. Do you want something like that to happen to us? Just stay away from sticks from now on. Ok?"**

"Well, I couldn't have kids with a stick now could I?" said Jayfeather and he looked confused. He didn't know she was going to ask that question.

_Edited Out: An all-caps rage, Jawpaw, and confuded locking._

**That was your only criteria? Seriously? Also, I'm pleased that Jaws was able to join the party.**

"So you went with Dawnsparkle instead!" yelled Starpaw, looking very happy. "But that doesn't help me. What am I supposed to do?"

_Yeah, Jayfeather, you're not helping your daughter's early onset sexual desires. Then again, most small children don't go to their dads for dating advice, which must be a little jarring for Jayfeather here._

**No wonder he's so confused. He must be sitting there thinking, "Where's Dawnsparkle when I need her?"**

"Follow your heart," said Jayfeather. "Who do you want to be with?"

**Ah, so Jayfeather is fulfilling the role of a fatherly mentor in this story. $20 says he dies. Any takers?**

Hmm, thought Starpaw for a second. "Firestar!" she yelled, and then ran off to tell him that she loved him.

_Well that was easy._

**That conflict was not as big as I was led to believe.**

A/N: No flames!


End file.
